My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My life coach traded me.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”