Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.