If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.