[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You Might Also Like
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.