I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
This a good idea