I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.