I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
dutch so unserious
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: