Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?