[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.