A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.