[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood