[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
classic mixup
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*