You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school