Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Um … Hot Wings please
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.