Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.