MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
You Might Also Like
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.