ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
That’s fair
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’