Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days