NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me and the Superbowl rn
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?