TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!