[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.