My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
A Short Story.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.