Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I will never stop laughing at this
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My typo game is string.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..