Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.