My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence