mathematically impossible
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Okey dokey.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket