My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
figuring out my emotional availability:
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time