Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice