Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.