I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
normalize having existential bread
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.