my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
dream blunt rotation
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.