“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.