If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My dad teaching me to drive
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.