[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”