Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
buying dead houseplants to save time
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”