Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Story of my life…..
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.