If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.