6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan