coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
You Might Also Like
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Tell me you get it…🤣