The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them