You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
A small tragedy.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.