Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
You Might Also Like
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
english majors be like furthermore
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..