I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Blew my mind.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG