Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
This sounds bad:
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”