When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed