My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My love language is hissing.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.