Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.