The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
this has to be peak English
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”