There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
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Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Denise please return my vape pen