6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..